I actually need to commit to finishing one journal before I start another, but sometimes I just grab what is close.
I also have used the voice recorder app on my phone to capture thoughts while I am walking.
What to do with all these thoughts... I have dreams and visions of being independently wealthy and spending quiet time by water organizing all my thoughts into something that makes sense and pulls everything together.
My friend edits books and works with women who want to write their stories. Money and time is what it takes to complete something like this, and as much as I want to, I just don't want to now. That tells me it isn't important enough which I have to agree with that thought. It is a great dream, but right now, I feel like that is what it is. Let's get real, everyone has dreams of being independently wealthy and living their dreams right?
So what now? I just keep plugging away at my random scribblings, notes all over the place, and the hope that some day my writings are discovered and not just left to disappear into the universe.
So, random notes of how I spend my day... I listen to audio books daily and finish about 4 a month. Sometimes more. It is my escape and what I love to do when I am cleaning, showering, laundry, everything. You name the activity, you will find an airpod in my ear listening to something. It is truly my escape.
I have lost 30 pounds over the last 16 months because I have made an effort to exercise and intermittent fast. I actually feel a little obsessed at times with the control I have over when I eat and what I eat. John and I just got back from Mexico a few weeks ago and I have not been as disciplined as in the past. I actually gave myself an additional week after we returned to get all the "crap" eating out of my system. I still wasn't too bad, but I was eating outside of my windows a bit more and have been quite gross and bloated feeling the last few days.
I recommitted myself yesterday to begin again. Day 2, and I am already starting to feel better. I have learned that the small but consistent changes I have been making over the last 16 have become a new lifestyle. The way I am is the way I want to continue to be.
In the past, if I fell off the eating wagon, I would just keep spirialing downward, completely give up, and just accept the way I looked and wore a lot of elastic and baggy clothes.
What I have realized now, is my small changes have made a pathway for me to allow myself to be on vacation from my lifestyle for a short period of time, but then jump back into the wagon and go back to my intermittent fasting/exercise lifestyle when I need to. 3 days is typically how long it takes to feel back to normal, so I am assuming tomorrow, I will not feel as bloated, the scale will reflect the loss of the water weight I have put on (water weight is real), and I won't feel so gross when I look in the mirror.
This journal entry is super boring, but I am avoiding talking and writing about the saddness that has hit friends and loved ones since Jan. 4th 2024. I will save that for another time.
I am also avoiding writing about the eating disorder thoughts that creep in since Kaia was in the hospital, and my true struggle with body dismorphia, or at least I think I may have a small version of that. That my friends, is a story for another day.