I can't believe I fell for it. A TOTAL F***ing scammer and now all my dad's inheritance is gone. What the heck was I thinking. This dude said he was legit. He gave me a call back number which I called. He gave me a profile which I looked up. He said foreigners were trying to get my dad's money. I panicked. I provided access to my computer. I watched as the thieves took... STOLE my inheritance. 

I am sick. I am sad. I am stupid. I can't believe I actually fell for it. 

I have to hope that letting the banks know immediately waht was happening will make a difference. I have to believe my money will be returned to me. I have to believe things will be okay. 

I still can't believe I fell for this. Honestly, the thing that tripped me up was when he told me I need to go to the bank and lie to them. Does he think I am an idiot? I am hoping the information I captured through screen shot will help investigators capture these criminals, or at the least get my money back. 

Dad. I am SO sorry. I am so sorry I was so incredibly stupid. I panicked. I thought I was smarter than this. Your money is meant to provide us experiences. To provide us memories. Please universe. Please let this all be resolved and the money will come back so I can continue the future for our kids, John, and me. 

​I am so  so  so sad. 

Oh my gosh, Dad. Jim is amazing. I was fortunate to go through the records at Mom and Pat's house. I wasn't sure what albulms I was pulling from their collection were Pat's, but I felt the one's I pulled that reminded me of my mom and YOU dad, were legitamate. As sweet as Pat is, he was more in Motown. NOT Jim, John Denver, etc... Seriously. Sometimes I feel I am writing to my dad. DAD where the fuck are you?  I ask you to join me in my dreams. I NEED TO SEE YOU. Where the hell are you? You show up in my dreams but you don't show me your face. WHY!!?? I finally got to see Kerry. Briefly but I did. Serioulsy, you are both so stubborn. 

Dad. Why did you stop listening to music? I feel like you didn't appreciate music as much as you used to when you were married to my mom. I never really understood that. When I was growing up you before age 6, you and mom listened to music all the time. When you married Kerry, I don't rememeber the music like I did when you were with mom. Why is that? I remember Van Halen with Zach. There was definitely music played, but it did not create the same feelings as when you and mom were together. Why is that? I know you and mom smoked pot and maybe that made a difference, but I think you and Kerry did too? 

Man, I really don't know, but what I do know, is listening to Jim brings back feelings, not memories, but feelings of what I had at some point in my life that resonated with relaxation and the "everything is going to be okay" feelings. Even when you and mom said you were getting a divorce, My feelings were so neutral. Some may say I didn't feel anything, but it is wierd. I was 5 years old and remember feeling a sense of calm and that everything was going to be okay. Is that because I heard you fighting and knew you were better off without each other? I really don't know if I was capable of feeling that at my young age, but that is what I remember feeling.  Jim brings back all sorts of feelings, but the feelings are all of peace, comfort, hope, and knowing that no matter how bad things feel at certain times, everything will always work out. You know what though? You may have to talk them out. Seriously. You may need to talk them out. 

Do you have someone you can talk those things out with? You need someone. 
Write to me. Send me a message. I am a really good ear. I am a really good person to share your thoughts. 

My dad shared so many things with me. So many. He didn't share that Kerry had threatened to kill herself. We didn't know. I wish he would have shared. Maybe things would have turned out different. But they didn't. THINGS happened as fucked up as they needed to and now we are 5 siblings making our way through life. 

I feel that I am the one who communicates with each individually and if I don't reach out, noone does. Why is that? I do have to say, I love, like stinkin love my brother. We have a connection that noone can compare to. I love you Zach. Seriously. LOVE. 

Today is the day of my first dog Rudy's birthday. I loved that dog with all my heart and as much as some may find this part disturbing...Her ashes are in a box by my bedside. She always was the calmest right at my side and I felt the same as well. I couldn't bury her in the cold ground, even after her passing and felt this was the best place for her. 

Enough about that though. I came across a training thanks to a friend of mine. It is a coaching course and when I printed out my first "homework", the title of it is "Knowing your Purpose: Identifying core values, building your mission statement, and re-discovering your WHY". Wow. I have been on a journey for years on discovering my purpose. I have a good idea what it is, but wrapping my head around how to explain is a completely different story. Due to that, I am still on my journey and truly loving every minute of it. 

I don't feel lost anymore on my journey. I feel blessed and thankful for the ability to power through my ups and downs, and keep my faith in knowing my best is yet to come, but the GOOD is all around. 

I don't know where this course will lead me. I need to keep an open mind. I CAN say however, that only good WILL come from this and if I put aside some time and commit to being better, and putting the effort into my own learning, I will find more success. It is a given. 

I am excited, and ready to evolve into more of who I am and who I am supposed to be. 

OMG. Yoda is so wise. Believe to achieve. If you cannot visualize something, it will not be real. I don't believe it. That's why you fail. Omg. If you seriously don't have any vision, you are living a very boring and sheltered exsistence. I am seriousl. Why do you want, not WHAT do you want?  Why... Where do you see yourself going in one, two, or 4 years ahead???  Where and what do you see??? I am so curious. So many don't believe in what you see you can achieve. It is the answer for so many. Open your eyes... and heart....

I am so excited to venture into a new chapter. Every year I choose a word. A word that keeps me focused on what I want for the up and coming year. Last year my word was VISION. I had a vision of growth and consistency for my business. At times I had to keep blinders on to what was happening all around me with the pandemic, but I kept my vision focused on what I wanted and in the end, positivity won.
This year my word is BELIEVE. I feel like this is going to be a word for a lot of people because we all need to believe in what is possible. We all need to believe in ourselves. Believe what is possible, and we all need to keep our blinders on to the negative that surrounds us so we can keep our focus and vision on what we are all capable of.
Write down your goals and put the belief in yourself that you can accomplish whatever it is you set out to do.

Last year there were a lot of changes in all of our lives. We had a little bit of our freedom taken away, and had to make adjustments to our daily lives. HOWEVER, in the end, I had the best year of work of my Norwex career, the most team growth, the largest customer growth to date, and I am leaving with a positive attitude on what is possible for this up and coming year. 
My little family also had growth in togetherness, love, time, snuggling, movie watching, dinner making, game playing, and the realization that our family is close, connected, and we actually all like being around each other. 

Although there was sadness at the end with the murder of Jesse, this year had many pockets of happiness. 

I accomplished the goal of Executive Vice President Sales Leader in July, we had an awesome family vacation to Colorado in August, and we ended the year with our crazy new family member, Timber. 
My family enjoyed Christmas at our own home and had a peaceful and lovely night with mom and Pat when they came after Christmas for dinner. John made Beef Wellington and I made Chicken Kiev. yum. 
This year I seriously need to concentrate on losing the covid 19 I have put on and feeling more healthy and confident about how I look. I know that shouldn't matter, but it actually does. THIS is something I am working on. 

Words cannot describe how frustrating it is to hear about a friend who was gunned down by a crazed sister in law. Seriously. She shot him in the back as he walked away from their argument. It is murder. simple as that. 3 kids and a wife. She said her motive was suspected abuse. WTF??? This lady is a school counselor AND started a peaceful group called Project for Change to help bring harmony to their small town. Seriously. I can't get Jesse out of my mind. He was one of us. He was a friend. He was kind, helpful, and the glue that held a lot of friendships together. He will be missed. 

I feel so fortunate today. I am a healthy 48 year old (going through the beginning phanses of menopause... mood swings... hot flashes...  Oh well, part of getting older. 

I worked for 4 hours today, got my house cleaned with the help of my kids, and went on a walk with the dogs. Again, I feel blessed and lucky. Kaia just asked me how I feel. I said older and wiser :) 

The promotion to Black Jacket is happening. I will make this happen!!
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