Dad. Why did you stop listening to music? I feel like you didn't appreciate music as much as you used to when you were married to my mom. I never really understood that. When I was growing up you before age 6, you and mom listened to music all the time. When you married Kerry, I don't rememeber the music like I did when you were with mom. Why is that? I remember Van Halen with Zach. There was definitely music played, but it did not create the same feelings as when you and mom were together. Why is that? I know you and mom smoked pot and maybe that made a difference, but I think you and Kerry did too?
Man, I really don't know, but what I do know, is listening to Jim brings back feelings, not memories, but feelings of what I had at some point in my life that resonated with relaxation and the "everything is going to be okay" feelings. Even when you and mom said you were getting a divorce, My feelings were so neutral. Some may say I didn't feel anything, but it is wierd. I was 5 years old and remember feeling a sense of calm and that everything was going to be okay. Is that because I heard you fighting and knew you were better off without each other? I really don't know if I was capable of feeling that at my young age, but that is what I remember feeling. Jim brings back all sorts of feelings, but the feelings are all of peace, comfort, hope, and knowing that no matter how bad things feel at certain times, everything will always work out. You know what though? You may have to talk them out. Seriously. You may need to talk them out.
Do you have someone you can talk those things out with? You need someone.
Write to me. Send me a message. I am a really good ear. I am a really good person to share your thoughts.
My dad shared so many things with me. So many. He didn't share that Kerry had threatened to kill herself. We didn't know. I wish he would have shared. Maybe things would have turned out different. But they didn't. THINGS happened as fucked up as they needed to and now we are 5 siblings making our way through life.
I feel that I am the one who communicates with each individually and if I don't reach out, noone does. Why is that? I do have to say, I love, like stinkin love my brother. We have a connection that noone can compare to. I love you Zach. Seriously. LOVE.