I just wanted to brain dump here because there have been so many things happening lately. 

1. Jackson no longer wants to walk. He is getting old and it is breaking my heart to see his sad face and to have to drag him across the road because he refuses to go on our grand adventures..
2. My mom needs to feel better. She had her surgery months ago, is super skinny, and my fear is she is literally starving to death. I am terrified and just want her to feel better. She lives to eat and can't keep anything in and is absolutely miserable. 
3. All 3 kids are now living at home. This is going to be a great summer! 
4. I am going to try really hard to start journally again. There is so much in my brain that just needs to get out! 

​Until then, and hopefully not another 13 months....

It has truly been a hot minute since I published a new post. I learned how to use my google drive to create documents with voice dictation and have actually written quite a bit in my google drive along with in my variety of journals. 
I actually need to commit to finishing one journal before I start another, but sometimes I just grab what is close. 
I also have used the voice recorder app on my phone to capture thoughts while I am walking. 
What to do with all these thoughts... I have dreams and visions of being independently wealthy and spending quiet time by water organizing all my thoughts into something that makes sense and pulls everything together. 
My friend edits books and works with women who want to write their stories. Money and time is what it takes to complete something like this, and as much as I want to, I just don't want to now. That tells me it isn't important enough which I have to agree with that thought. It is a great dream, but right now, I feel like that is what it is. Let's get real, everyone has dreams of being independently wealthy and living their dreams right?
So what now? I just keep plugging away at my random scribblings, notes all over the place, and the hope that some day my writings are discovered and not just left to disappear into the universe. 
So, random notes of how I spend my day... I listen to audio books daily and finish about 4 a month. Sometimes more. It is my escape and what I love to do when I am cleaning, showering, laundry, everything. You name the activity, you will find an airpod in my ear listening to something. It is truly my escape. 
I have lost 30 pounds over the last 16 months because I have made an effort to exercise and intermittent fast. I actually feel a little obsessed at times with the control I have over when I eat and what I eat. John and I just got back from Mexico a few weeks ago and I have not been as disciplined as in the past. I actually gave myself an additional week after we returned to get all the "crap" eating out of my system. I still wasn't too bad, but I was eating outside of my windows a bit more and have been quite gross and bloated feeling the last few days. 
I recommitted myself yesterday to begin again. Day 2, and I am already starting to feel better. I have learned that the small but consistent changes I have been making over the last 16 have become a new lifestyle. The way I am is the way I want to continue to be.
In the past, if I fell off the eating wagon, I would just keep spirialing downward, completely give up, and just accept the way I looked and wore a lot of elastic and baggy clothes. 
What I have realized now, is my small changes have made a pathway for me to allow myself to be on vacation from my lifestyle for a short period of time, but then jump back into the wagon and go back to my intermittent fasting/exercise lifestyle when I need to. 3 days is typically how long it takes to feel back to normal, so I am assuming tomorrow, I will not feel as bloated, the scale will reflect the loss of the water weight I have put on (water weight is real), and I won't feel so gross when I look in the mirror. 
This journal entry is super boring, but I am avoiding talking and writing about the saddness that has hit friends and loved ones since Jan. 4th 2024. I will save that for another time. 
I am also avoiding writing about the eating disorder thoughts that creep in since Kaia was in the hospital, and my true struggle with body dismorphia, or at least I think I may have a small version of that. That my friends, is a story for another day. 
​

I feel stuck in my parenting role of my daughter who is going to be 18 and an adult on Wednesday. Kaia has been struggling with an eating disorder since last November. She was in the hospital for the month of April and was in a day program for the month of May. She continued counseling through June, and since then has slowly started dropping weight again. I do see her eating, and we do have a "weigh in" day every week. However, I dread this day and want to be able to trust that even though she has lost some weight again, she tells me she does not have a problem. 

I am trying to be a responsible parent but also don't want to cross the line of making eating and weighing more of a battle between us that it needs to be. Currently, she has maintained a weight for the last 2 weeks. We have an agreement that if she drops more, we will need to set up an appointment with the counselor again, but she really doesn't want to go through any more counseling. She truly feels she has her situation under control. Why is it so hard for me to let her be and trust she does truly have this under control? 

Look at everything that has happened in the last 5 years and all the growth that has occurred! 

First of all, we have successfully launched all our little birds into their future lives and have all graduated from school. YAY!! 
Second, we have paid off our mortgage and now are experiencing the fun of having more financial freedom! 
John is able to work remote so we have started traveling in the winter for a few weeks at a time to check out different destinations.

My business continues to grow.
I promoted to Senior Vice President in the spring of 2024 and my team is strong. It is filled with people who want to be here. It is a healthy mixture of casual consultants along with business builders. 

We have weekly team calls to check in and this has helped the momentum continue. It really helps that Norwex has created a company and business model that can fit into so many people's lives. 

I became certified as a Leadership Coach in October of 2023 which sparked another element I have added into my career, and that is one of a business coach. Through my own self coaching, I have gained the skills and knowledge of how our brain works and how we respond to the things happening around us. I began taking on clients in 2025 and have a nice little side business growing along my direct sales business. 

The residual income I get from my managers checks have tripled which allows me the time and space to continue building this part of my career. I love helping and serving people, while I continue to travel and live my best life. 

I noticed in January my baby seemed to be getting smaller. I noticed she was never eating with us, but I didn't realize something serious was happening under the cloak of big giant Billie Elish style like wardrobe.

I walked into the bathroom right after the holidays and you were wrapped in a towel. Due to the cold weather in Minnesota, I had not seen this much of you in months. Your littel shoulder blades were sticking out of your back in a way I had never seen before. I instantly knew something was up. 

I made mention to your dad that we need to start paying closer attention to what and when you are eating, but I didn't want to put too much pressure on you or make you start even sneakier behavior, so we did just that... Watch you. 

I asked you if you were eating, mentioned I thougth you looked skinnier, and told you my story of when I restricted my food when I was the same age, lost a bunch of weight, then gained it back so quickly I got depressed. I am not sure now if that story helped. I was hoping it was more to hopefully jolt you into eating normally. 

I know now, that was not the case. I know now, I should have had proper help in starting to eat again to avoid the symptoms of refeading syndrome. I should have learned how to properly nourish my body back to health.. I know now, that I did it on my own without help and I will forever deal with my relationship with food. 

I know now, that your outcome has a better chance because of your willing mindset to get the help that you need. 

I can't believe I fell for it. A TOTAL F***ing scammer and now all my dad's inheritance is gone. What the heck was I thinking. This dude said he was legit. He gave me a call back number which I called. He gave me a profile which I looked up. He said foreigners were trying to get my dad's money. I panicked. I provided access to my computer. I watched as the thieves took... STOLE my inheritance. 

I am sick. I am sad. I am stupid. I can't believe I actually fell for it. 

I have to hope that letting the banks know immediately waht was happening will make a difference. I have to believe my money will be returned to me. I have to believe things will be okay. 

I still can't believe I fell for this. Honestly, the thing that tripped me up was when he told me I need to go to the bank and lie to them. Does he think I am an idiot? I am hoping the information I captured through screen shot will help investigators capture these criminals, or at the least get my money back. 

Dad. I am SO sorry. I am so sorry I was so incredibly stupid. I panicked. I thought I was smarter than this. Your money is meant to provide us experiences. To provide us memories. Please universe. Please let this all be resolved and the money will come back so I can continue the future for our kids, John, and me. 

​I am so  so  so sad. 

Oh my gosh, Dad. Jim is amazing. I was fortunate to go through the records at Mom and Pat's house. I wasn't sure what albulms I was pulling from their collection were Pat's, but I felt the one's I pulled that reminded me of my mom and YOU dad, were legitamate. As sweet as Pat is, he was more in Motown. NOT Jim, John Denver, etc... Seriously. Sometimes I feel I am writing to my dad. DAD where the fuck are you?  I ask you to join me in my dreams. I NEED TO SEE YOU. Where the hell are you? You show up in my dreams but you don't show me your face. WHY!!?? I finally got to see Kerry. Briefly but I did. Serioulsy, you are both so stubborn. 

Dad. Why did you stop listening to music? I feel like you didn't appreciate music as much as you used to when you were married to my mom. I never really understood that. When I was growing up you before age 6, you and mom listened to music all the time. When you married Kerry, I don't rememeber the music like I did when you were with mom. Why is that? I remember Van Halen with Zach. There was definitely music played, but it did not create the same feelings as when you and mom were together. Why is that? I know you and mom smoked pot and maybe that made a difference, but I think you and Kerry did too? 

Man, I really don't know, but what I do know, is listening to Jim brings back feelings, not memories, but feelings of what I had at some point in my life that resonated with relaxation and the "everything is going to be okay" feelings. Even when you and mom said you were getting a divorce, My feelings were so neutral. Some may say I didn't feel anything, but it is wierd. I was 5 years old and remember feeling a sense of calm and that everything was going to be okay. Is that because I heard you fighting and knew you were better off without each other? I really don't know if I was capable of feeling that at my young age, but that is what I remember feeling.  Jim brings back all sorts of feelings, but the feelings are all of peace, comfort, hope, and knowing that no matter how bad things feel at certain times, everything will always work out. You know what though? You may have to talk them out. Seriously. You may need to talk them out. 

Do you have someone you can talk those things out with? You need someone. 
Write to me. Send me a message. I am a really good ear. I am a really good person to share your thoughts. 

My dad shared so many things with me. So many. He didn't share that Kerry had threatened to kill herself. We didn't know. I wish he would have shared. Maybe things would have turned out different. But they didn't. THINGS happened as fucked up as they needed to and now we are 5 siblings making our way through life. 

I feel that I am the one who communicates with each individually and if I don't reach out, noone does. Why is that? I do have to say, I love, like stinkin love my brother. We have a connection that noone can compare to. I love you Zach. Seriously. LOVE. 

Today is the day of my first dog Rudy's birthday. I loved that dog with all my heart and as much as some may find this part disturbing...Her ashes are in a box by my bedside. She always was the calmest right at my side and I felt the same as well. I couldn't bury her in the cold ground, even after her passing and felt this was the best place for her. 

Enough about that though. I came across a training thanks to a friend of mine. It is a coaching course and when I printed out my first "homework", the title of it is "Knowing your Purpose: Identifying core values, building your mission statement, and re-discovering your WHY". Wow. I have been on a journey for years on discovering my purpose. I have a good idea what it is, but wrapping my head around how to explain is a completely different story. Due to that, I am still on my journey and truly loving every minute of it. 

I don't feel lost anymore on my journey. I feel blessed and thankful for the ability to power through my ups and downs, and keep my faith in knowing my best is yet to come, but the GOOD is all around. 

I don't know where this course will lead me. I need to keep an open mind. I CAN say however, that only good WILL come from this and if I put aside some time and commit to being better, and putting the effort into my own learning, I will find more success. It is a given. 

I am excited, and ready to evolve into more of who I am and who I am supposed to be.