I haven't been sleep well.  The other night I woke up and actually shed tear over the thoughts of my oldest leaving for college next year.  I couldn't believe it was 3 a.m. and here I was crying into my pillow.

She is such an amazing kid.  I cannot imagine her not living here.  What are we going to do? What are the dogs going to do?  Her siblings?  I am going to be really sad :(

You also need to know, John snowblowed a path for the pups in our yard. Jackson ran outside and ran and ran around the path.  He was SO happy. Lily put her paws on the top of the path to see who she can bark at.  Oh my goodness.  There is just SO much snow.  I will try and take a pic tomorrow to add to this one. 

If Kaia and I hadn't googled how to say Colorado, we would have never known it was Rado NOT RAHHdo. If John and I had not found the cell phone at the vineyard in Napa, started taking pictures of ourselves, ,and had the intoxicated phone owner figure out we were taking selfies with her phone, we would have never learned that Oregon is pronounced :Or - i - gan and not ore-i-gone. It is these little life circumstances that help to create who we are when communicating with others... 

Back from Maui. Another MEDIC situation on the plane on the way back.  OMG people, don't drink a beer and then take a Xanax!! You may just pass out and can't be revived for a bit because you are SO out of it.  Maybe it wasn't just ONE beer...  I don't know, I don't take xanax, so I have no judgement. 

I a sitting in a local organic restaurant waiting for Kaia to finish gymnastics.  I wonder if I should start a book about watching people in coffee shops.  There have been some interesting people in here.  I was able to do a little work, but it wasn't without total distraction.... Hot guy sitting alone, hot older guy sitting alone.. Yes I am married.  However, both my hubby and I can identify and admit when we see hot people.  I wonder if they think this is a great pickup joint.  I actually think this may be a place a come a little more frequently on Saturday's when Kaia is at the gym.  It is actually quite peaceful and the food is amazing.

I was hit with an overwhelming feeling while in the bathroom of missing my dad. (yes, I recognize that is strange), However, you can never tell when these feelings are going to come.  I just really miss him today.  I wish I could call him and chat with him about my trip, my kids, my pups, and just about life.  I think he would really have enjoyed Maui.  He would have laughed at my stories and then shared the stories that were triggered in his brain from what I share.  We would have then gone into a lengthy conversation about traveling and our different experiences. We would have then moved on to talking about my relationships I have with some of my team members and my traveling experiences with them. Next he would have told me he would really like to meet some of my friends and would have added "the hotter the better". We would have talked about his up and coming trip in June, maybe plan a spontaneous side trip in the spring depending on who is playing at Jazz Fest in New Orleans.  Next, we would have talked about our time at Jazz Fest and when I wanted to get closer to Mumford and Sons, so I grabbed his hand, led him through the crowd, and asked people if they had seen my son who was about 5.  We would have laughed at this because I didn't have children with me at this event, HOWEVER, we did get pretty close to the stage. We would have talked about stealing the ketchup because we had to have it with our fries during our "drunk" ordering at the Clover Grill.  Then we would have laughed about returning it the next day because we truly are nice people.  We would have chatted about my oldest and the trust I have for her to drive 3 hours north to visit her boyfriend. He would have mentioned something about sex and I would have assured him that she is protected by birth control.  He would have been proud of that and then would havea said something preverted which would result in me saying "GROSS Dad"!!  Oh my goodness, this would have been the BEST Saturday conversation...

Instead, I sit in this restaurant that he would have loved, listening to the THIRD time dishes have been dropped behind me.  I sit here and write about our conversation we would have had, but no can no longer. I sit here missing one of my favorite people and wishing, no LONGING, to hear his voice one more time. Feel his hug, and listen to his advice on life whether I wanted it or not.

On this day I will notice the things that would have made him happy.  I will keep my dad on the forefront of my thoughts.  I will talk to him when I feel like it, and I will be thankful for the time, love, and wisdom I was granted during his earthly time here with my as my dad... 

​I love you Dad. 

As I am watching the commotion on the airplane, headed to Maui, I am thankful for my health.  I was just about to begin writing when the horrifying sound of a panicked voice yelled "medic"!,  Apparently, there is a gentleman having a diabetic reaction and having a seizure.  This is not what I was going to write about, but what a helpless feeling for everyone when the only place to land is on the ocean.  Seriously, scary. 

The real reason I was going to write is because of the overwhelming feeling of sadness when we flew into L.A. today on our way to Maui.  It is crazy how much the 4 years of living there made Los Angeles a part of my soul and who I am.  I love everything about it. The people, the mountains, the ocean, the HUGEness of it all.  I saw the Hollywood sign, the downtown skyline, and a little glimpse of the Marina where John and I started our family. 

I can still picture the streets where we walked, roller bladed, and drove to our next adventure.  I would purposely drive around and get lost so I could find my way around better when my family and friends would come and visit me.   It was always easy to find my way back because with the mountains and the ocean, my internal compass knew exactly where I was at all times. 

I remember the tours I would give with my favorite being the "Murder Tour".  To see a glimpse of the window on Ceilio drive where the horrific Manson murders happened, to Bugsy Seigle's house, and of course the no longer standing O.J house. 

I had so much fun and so many good memories.  I decided while flying in today, even though my stay was literally 20 minutes, that I would make plans to visit again with my kids and John.  We were there years ago and their memories are not clear of that time.  Having teenagers now makes a huge difference with our travel as their memories will stay a lot more vivid in their minds. I would love to do all my tours with them and then find out which part sticks in their minds the most.  

I love adventure and if I lived in my perfect world, it would be one where travel adventure along with helping those who need it most would be part of my families life.  I think a mission trip may be in our future.  Maybe not through a church but definitely one 

.When I go on trips I can explain to my kids why I am going and when I will return.  I cannot do that for my pups.

The suitcase has been out for a few days and I know they have been feeling stress.  They know what the suitcase means.  I want them to understand and to be able to explain, but obviously, all they know is Mama is leaving.

Do you know what it is like to deny your dog the ride in the car???  Oh my gosh.  Every morning the two of them help drive Kaia to school with me. Lily barks at EVERYONE and Jackson watches patiently for squirrels. When I return home, get Quinn breakfast and then drive him to school, Lily knows to go into my daughter's room and Jack knows he gets one more chance in the car to spot squirrels.  It is our routine. 

When I have to leave without them, Jackson sits with his super droopy eyes and looks so incredibly pathetic. If he could go everywhere with me, I would do that.  I think that eventually I will have a service dog.  I just want to have a furry friend with me always!  

So, tomorrow I am leaving for an entire week.  This is the LONGEST I have been away from my entire family (John included) since we have been a family. I am going to miss them terribly.  I am really going to miss John. He is my FAVORITE travel partner. 

Anyway. I am going to miss the pups.  I know they will be okay, but I just wish I could explain to them in doggy language why I am going away, and that I will return.  Maybe colleges should offer "dog" as a language class...

edI am heading to Maui tomorrow.  This is a trip I earned through my work. I am going without my family and I am excited, but I am scared and a little sad.  Since the kids were little I have always stressed when I have to leave them.  Seriously.  You would think I would be cool with this since I have been traveling for work for quite a few years.  However, every time I think about leaving them I worry about what would happen if something happened to me.  I know they would be okay.  Seriously. I know they would. However, I want to live to a ripe old age and experience grand kids and lots of travel with my hubby. 

I want the whole package life offers.  Is that too much to ask?  Ugh.  I love my family SOOOOO much that the stress I feel when I am getting ready to leave them is overwhelming!  I do want to say I will relax when I am on the plane, and especially when I get to my destination.  IT's HAWAII!!!  

So basically tonight, I am just venting.  NOT complaining, but I want my family to know they mean the world to me and I want to be there for all the amazing things life is going to give them.  Now, I am going to do a separate entry about my dogs.....

We are in negotiations about the condo.  Final steps. I believe this one will go through.  I thought I would have a harder time with this, but I think the peace I have been feeling with my dad lately is really helping me to walk through this with him.  I know he would want me to have peace with the decision to sell and it is through his strength that I can go forward without tears....

Do you ever have things you do and you don't tell anyone?  Well, I do.  I have been using this blog as a diary or sorts, and I just shared with my husband AND son about it. I didn't tell them the name though. Oh my goodness.  Just not sure I am ready to go there.  If you are wondering why, the answer is simple. This has been my project.  My way of getting my thoughts out there.  When I started this I had no idea where I wanted it to go.  Basic diary?  A place to vent?  A place to write without judgement?  

I am getting more and more ready to spread my wings.  As I watch my family and teach them how to dream as well as how dreams can be achieved.  I have realized it is time to show them that MY wings have been growing. My wings have started to spread, and I am getting ready to share....