My daughter and I had a really great talk.  At first it wasn't.  At first it was a lot of clarification of our miscommunication.  You see, my daughter is the queen of persistence and when she gets something in her head it is hard to get it out. 

Last night when she presented me with her idea and I told her I was not going to support it, she walked away and refused to talk to me.  After spending a day wondering if I had completely failed in parenting, she clarified that she and her friend have been talking about what it would be like to experiment.  She brought it up to me because she wanted to see if I was still open to talking to her about anything.  She felt I was not open after our brief conversation.  

Our conversation led to basically a breakdown of my daughter because she has taken on too many college courses and has joined WAY to many clubs.  She has over extended herself because she is terrified she won't get into a good college. THIS IS A SMART KID.  I can tell her she will get into a college, but she is not going to believe anything I say because it is coming from me. 

Ugh, parenting is so hard sometimes.  

Now, we got things figured out, but I have to say, I know this is not the end of this.  She knows I thoughts and my feelings, but she also has the teenage brain. However, I feel I said too much of how I was feeling based on how open our conversations can be.  I feel I left her feelings on insecurity and doubt.  These are similar feelings I felt growing up and I KNOW how she is feeling.  I am kicking myself, but also can't over think.  I didn't know how to express what I was feeling, so I wrote down a few of my thoughts and had her read them. Honestly, she needed to know.  She expects me to respect her teenage thought process, but at the same time doesn't respect my mom thought process.  I had to explain to her I am NOT her best friend.  I am her parent and I don't have to agree with her decisions. It is my job to guide her.  I think she has forgotten that.  Maybe she never really understood this. 

Now we march forward and continue to move on.  I know this conversation happened and I will forever be on guard and know that the call will come when she needs me to come and pick her up.

Oh my gosh.  My brain is filled with "mommy' worry today.  My oldest daughter who tells me EVERYTHING, including things I don't want to hear (like when she plays kissie face with her ex-boyfriend).  Last night she told me something that has made me sick to my stomach all day long.

She told me her group of friends have been talking about experimenting with alcohol.  She said they would be "safe".  Holy crap.  Seriously, this is the kid I have been so proud of because of the good choices she HAS been making.  How she has left friend groups because they have started "partying".  I thought John and I have actually done something right.  We had raised her good.  Great morals.  Open communication.  The ability for her to completely be herself.

Well, that is what she is doing.  She is completely being herself. She is expressing to me her thoughts and desires and she was asking for my feedback.  My feedback...

My feedback included of the immediate feeling to vomit on the floor.  Immediate stomach cramps. Immediate red flags saying NO NO NO NO NO!!!!  I expressed this to her and her words to me were "Well, if you want open communication, you are not going to get it anymore".  This made me SO sad, SO HEART SICK AND SAD. I cannot agree with this AND I told her that.  However, I too was a teenager, and I was not totally innocent.  I CAN say, I was better than my sister and my friends.  I also grew  up in a small town and didn't even see marijuana until college and STILL haven't seen all the other stuff that is out there.  She is growing up in a completely different place AND time.

Part of this is selfish too.  I worry about what people will think of John and I as parents.  BECAUSE, kids talk, and now she will be lumped in with the "rest" of them who party.  A bigger part of me is worried because she doesn't know exactly what this is like.  She doesn't understand how you think you can do anything.  You think you act normal and you don't.  You think you are invincible and her brain just isn't ready for this yet.  She doesn't get that when she makes this choice and shares it with her brother, it is going to give him permission in his head to do it too.  She doesn't get that if she gets caught, this could impact her future.  If she drives and kills someone, she can go to jail, This is more than just experimenting.  This is RISKY behavior, and I want more for my children than that.  I don't care if she thinks I am being closed minded.  This is something I cannot get behind her on. I will not be that parents who okays this in high school.  I will not be that parent who has to keep secrets from friends because I hear things about their children.  NOT after the car accident this fall.  I can't believe she is even considering this because of how she reacted from Trushna. and the accident.  I totally understand this age and how kids think they know everything.  I just am sad that she thinks this is an okay path to go down just because she is in high school.  I can't believe she is OKAY with now being clumped into the same category as girls like Olivia and the other "populars".  I am just sick to my heart.

I don't want her to close herself off to me.  I just want her to make the right choice in this situation.  I let it go when she told me about how "far" she went with her boyfriend.  She wasn't in a life and death situation.  Drugs and alcohol are TOTALLY different.  Your judgement is impaired and even though your friends "SAY" they are okay, their judgement is impaired and because YOUR judgement is impaired, you are now risking your life.  Call me an over reactor, whatever, There was at least ONE person killed or critically injured in my high school every year because of bad choices with alcohol.  That was a small high school.  Her school is quadruple the size. The incident with her classmates can easily AND will be repeated if more people think it is "OKAY" to say yes.  

I am heart sick.

Today I feel really thankful.  As I was finishing up cleaning the kitchen from our day of cooking muffins and chili yesterday , I was able to move next to the laundry, sweep the floor, recreate my dying flowers arrangements, and make and drink my coffee.
I KNOW I have a ton of work I could be doing, but I also know the workload of “catching up” has been decreasing and it opens my mind to be able to relax just a bit. 
I am on my journey and loving it.  I feel grateful and fortunate.  I listen so so many of my friends who complain about their work.  My parties are sometimes filled with people complaining about their jobs, looking for a new one, and just overall not happy with their life.  I want so bad to be able to convince them there is something different. However, I also feel that what I do is not for everyone.  It takes a certain kind of motivation and determination to be able to do what I do and be successful at it.  It is not for everyone.    Sometimes I wonder if I can do it, and then I sit back and remember all I am grateful for and know I CAN AND WILL.  I was chosen to be on this path and this path is a great one for me.
However, there is this underlying fear that something will happen that takes this sense of peace away from me and when that thought comes up it scares me.  I have to consciously have to push those thoughts away and “think happy thoughts”.  Sounds silly, I know, but that is what I need to do.  I am a big manifester and I manifest a happy life, and happy existence.  I manifest LOVE , and good marriage, happy and secure children, happy dogs, and living my dream.
What is my dream?  Well, there was one day I was in the shower coming up with a way to describe why I do what I do.  I had the words written perfectly out in my head, but then did not put them on paper.  I know a version of why I do what I do, but wish I would have written it down.  It wasn’t my DREAM entirely, but it was part of my vision for why I do what I do. 
I GET to help people create.  I GET to help people dream.  I GET to help people see there may be another answer.  I GET TO HELP.  I feel I am on the verge of exploding with this concept when I am out there talking about my job, the products I share, and why I do what I do, but I also feel there is a level of “unsmoothness” and I get nervous, have doubts in my head it may sound corney, and then I mess up the entire message of what I am saying.  I leave it with a light hearted “okay, I got that part over with, let’s move on now” attitude.  I am perfectly aware that when I do this I am short falling my vision I have of the potential I can see in the people in the room.  I need to work on that.